New Novel - Masochist Deranged Character

The rules of this game are thus:

Add a line, a paragraph, or a chapter.

Figure out creative ways to kill the main character(s). Literary puns ARE acceptable (ya hear that, Jonquil?). Try not to make it too grotesque, or I may have to take it down. If you do decide to bring a particular character back to life, indicate the means of resusciation.

Dream plot holes/fixes are acceptable only if they serve a purpose, use your own judgement.

Here goes:


Max was walking with his friend, Jonquil. They were going to see the Marlins game, and they had a locker room pass (bought for $5 on ebay). They were just entering the stadium when Max got hit in the head by a stray baseball. "I'm allright", he panted, with half his face missing. "Its just a flesh wound". Then the baseball, which was still stuck in his head, exploded.

Showering poor Jonquil in a most unpleasant spray. Just as Jonquil was cleaning some from his glasses, Jerry and Timmy walked up, wondering what happened. Then, the underlying physics behind the phenomenon not yet fully understood, a tiny black hole opened up under the Marlins stadium, sucking in the entire stadium and imploding upon itself. As the dust settled, Jonquil an Jerry watched on in horror; Timmy, however seemed quite pleased.
Cheers,
-Jonquil

He was amused at the sucess of his diabolicly evil plan. he imploded the stadium in order to make a new amusment part(please pardun the pun.)
Timmy looke dat his watch and said "the rides should be telliporting here in any second now"

After Jonquil an Jerry heard tyhis they started to choke Timmy because of his complete and utter selfishness and stpidity. then there was a loud bang.

the cop that max had kicked in the shins in the first story just shot timmy!
"i told you i'd get that stupid kid!.... no wait, that was tommy..... i just killed a kid!" yelled the cop, who then put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger, spraying jonquil and jerry with brains. needless to say, jonquil was quite a mess by now.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Jonquil arrived at home late that night. He was very bored. He kept hoping, and hoping that he could write a masterful pun, but no one would give him the write idea.

the fact that he was covered in guts and gore did not bother him in the slightest.... jonquil was used to these sorts of things, as he generally associated himself with people who would use firecrackers irresponsibly and then laugh about it.
we now join jonquil.....
he opened the door to his house, only to discover that everything was out of place. "what happened here?" he said aloud.
"i happened here," said diane, stepping out from inside an alcove.
"do i know you?" said jonquil. "i feel like i met you before, but i don't know from where."
"no, you don't know me, and neither do any of your friends," said diane, raising a machete. "i'm a completely new character."
suddenly diane exploded. jonquil looked around for the source, and saw timmy standing next to him. "what the....." gasped jonquil in suprise. "the area she occupied will make good space for a new amusement park," said timmy with a lopsided grin. "but how did you come back to life?" asked jonquil.

Spoiler:

and then everyone died

and then they all came back to life and the story resumed.

fantastic!

only to die again

ok i'm going to ignore that last post, because it was stupid. on with the story....


"nothing will stop me from bringing to fruition my diabolically evil plans to create an amusement park out of death and destruction," timmy said, leering at jonquil. he pulled another explosive baseball out of his pocket, and threw it at jonquil. jonquil watched in horror as the ball beared down on him, and then he remembered the bat that he always kept in his wallet for precisely this sort of situation. he hit the ball back at timmy, who caught it. he was no longer smiling.
"you want to play hardball, then, jonquil?" he said, his voice growing progressively higher with each syllable, finally ending in an obnoxious falsetto.
"hey i'm the one who's supposed to come up with clever puns!" yelled jonquil as he charged at timmy and tackled him to the ground. out of nowhere, the cop that max had kicked in the shins in the first story appeared and shot timmy again!
"i'm in a lot of trouble," moaned the cop.
"i quite agree," boomed a loud voice. "god, is that you?" cried jonquil.
"no, it's me, timmy, greater and more powerful than ever before. nothing will stop me from creating my evil amusement park! nothing! hahahaha! giggle!"

"If you strike me down, I will become even more powerful than you can possibly imagine!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!" Timmy seemed more obnoxious now that he was no longer corporeal. The cop still seemed a little anxious. "But I shot you, I didn't strike you down! Does that count??" "Well, I struck him out...not sure if that had any effect either..." Jonquil pontificated. Neither of them were aware that Diane was slowly creeping towards them, having come back to life for just such an occasion.

fortunately for both of them, diane no longer had a gun, seeing as she left it at the last location she was killed at. all she could do was growl at them and nip at their heels. jonquil watched the cop being harrassed by diane for a couple of minutes, amused by the scene, then decided to put an end to the madness. he pulled the elephant tranquilizer out of his pocket.
"i received this as a birthday present from my grandmother when i turned 15," he said to the cop, "but i haven't had any use for it until now."
"yeah, i think a traquilizer is a good idea in this case, too, considering recent events," the cop hypothesized.
diane had quite a death grip on the cop's leg, and was gnawing on his upper calf, when jonquil shot her with the tranquilizer gun. she kept at it for a couple of minutes, then sort of relaxed, with an unpleasant bit of drool coming out of the side of her mouth.
"funny, and i used to think she was somewhat attractive," said a voice.
"max!" cried jonquil. "i thought your head exploded!"
"it did, but had a new one growing in a pot at home, so i was able to replace it quickly," max said.
"well, what are you doing here?" "i'm here to wreak my vengeance upon the evil timmy, and to stop his diabolical plans to create an amusement park from death and destruction!" max declared.
"hey--that's real great--can i get some help over here?" the cop asked. "i can't get her off my leg."
"yeah, i don't think she's coming off that soon. you might just have to drag her around like that, sorry. i should have waited until she was detached from you to shoot her," jonquil said. "unless...."
at which point jonquil pulled out from his back pocket an allen wrench. "no one gave this to me, i just decided to carry it around in case i ever needed it," he said. he clobbered diane over the head, and she released the poor cop's leg.
"thanks, jonquil," the cop thanked.
"now i shall destroy you all!" a voice boomed.

Spoiler:

by none other than me. faer me YAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Ok, Ben, enough is enough

Im seriously not BEN-stop accusing him i don't want to be held accountable for his reputation

Sorry, i actually did think you were ben, but if not, then who are you?

back to the story!

why is it always ruined just when i write something good??

Its always ruined. Thats the fun of this story!!!

BWahahahahahahahahahhh!! YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

and then they all suffered a Spontaneously Massive total Existence Failure!!!